The Chrysalis Home



Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

So, as something of a continuation of my last post, I guess I need to talk about how exactly I plan to go from quivering mass in the corner to bright, beacon of hope and light for my family. I have established that it needs to happen, now I just need to hammer out the how’s and wherefore’s of it and I’m well on my way to being Best Mom Ever. Right?

Cause that’ll happen. I’ll figure my shit out, get right with the universe and that will automatically make me…AWESOME. The laundry will be done AND put away, I’ll have Pinterest crafts coming out of my ass, my food will be delectable and my kitchen spotless. My family will be both well-adjusted and ridiculously goodlooking (did you see what I did there? Gave a nod to Zoolander, which, if you haven’t seen, you should. Funny, funny shit, for real). And they will love me like gangbusters. When I get right,everything else will fall into place and there will be harmony in the world once more.

See, I know that’s bullshit. I KNOW it, down in my gut, I know that things will never, ever be that way. My laundry will sit over night in the washer smell like sauerkraut, my food will never be more than mediocre, and Pinterest will remain nothing but a time-waster. My family WILL be ridiculously good-looking, but I think that’s more a B thing. He’s got great bone structure.

Thing is, I’m not trying to even get involved in any mommy-war, perfect life, angel kids bullshit. I just want to not be sad anymore. My goals are simple. I’m a simple woman. 

Goal one:

Don’t be sad all the time.

Goal two: 

Take Max to museums and parks and do cool shit with him.

Goal three:

Remember the laundry in the washer

(and don’t forget my towel)

 

That’s essentially it. Those are the things I need to feel as though I have a full and complete life and to feel like I haven’t failed my family in some very fundamental ways.

I  mean sure, the house needs cleaning, the dishes need done, the dogs need walking, and there will always be myriad tiny things that need attention, but to be able to go through a day without being sad about things I have no control over…that would be a real triumph. To not worry about whether that stranger that I will never see again is judging me, or whether or not my husband secretly thinks I’m a horrible mother, or whether everyone around is talking about what a bad job I’m doing with my son because he won’t nap or to feel like I’ve failed at motherhood because my son won’t nap…to have ONE day without all those hateful little voices bitching in my ear all day…that would be a true blessing. And that’s what I’m going to shoot for.

Whenever I hear those voices, that awful hate speech I keep for myself, I’m just going to tell it to fuck off. Those things are not true. They’ve never been true and they never will be true. I may not be the best at all those things by dammit, I’m pretty effing good.

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Comments

  1. and you’re especially good at writing! I’m waiting on the book…

    | Reply Posted 5 years ago
    • * MtnMama says:

      I need to take you with me wherever I go so you can cheer me on. You make me smile J. Thank you 🙂

      | Reply Posted 5 years ago
  2. * Lots Tolearn says:

    Sitting here…eyes all teary because this is ME. I could have written this word for word, except that I suck at writing..so it wouldn’t be nearly as awesome and honest. I often think “Why can’t I be the mother that I want my kids to have?” instead of this fearful, cynical, boring person I have become. When I think about taking them out for a day of fun by myself..I start reminding myself “but then I have to pack up half of the house, and what if D decides to high tail it for the hills and I can’t go and catch him b/c I have the other 2 kids and I can’t just leave them standing there…and what if and what if… I think I will just stay home..” Thank you. I needed this.

    | Reply Posted 5 years ago
    • * MtnMama says:

      I feel ya, woman! I can’t imagine three. I seriously don’t know how you do it. And if they are anything like their daddy…man, you have your hands full 🙂 Keep your chin up. If I can make it through, anyone can. I’m serious.

      | Reply Posted 5 years ago


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