The Chrysalis Home



Grief and Recovery

Thank you all so much for the support from yesterday’s post. Not here, but on FB my shit blew up. You guys are awesome and I love each and every one of you.  Thank you from the very bottom of my heart.

Yesterday’s post was one I had needed to write for a long time. It’s been a year and a half since we lost Elijah and he sits heavy on our hearts. Immediately following his death, B and I handled our grief in very different ways. He threw himself into work, back into the mundanity of every day life. I drank. And cried. And smoked a lot of cigarettes. And listened to sad music. And cried. I cancelled my Facebook page, I withdrew from my friends. I didn’t talk to anyone for months. I blew off my family, ignoring calls and texts. I just hid from everything.

Then I got pissed. I turned into a bitter, bitter girl. Anytime anyone complained about any aspect of their life, I had this inner monologue that pretty much cursed them for a petty, sniveling bitch who had no idea about real pain. They hadn’t lost a child so their pain was trivial. I won at the pain contest. And who were they to complain to ME in the first place? Did they think I could really give one fuck about the fight they had with their boyfriend or that they were broke or that their car needed work? Because my pain was absolute and trumped EVERYTHING. 

I would see pregnant women or women with new babies and I would rip them apart in my mind. I wondered if they knew how lucky they were. If, in between their complaints of swollen ankles or a sour stomach or a case of heartburn, if they really understood just how fucking lucky they were to be where they were. Did they know that just down the aisle from them or just across the room was a woman whose baby had been stolen? I wanted to run up and grab them by the shoulders and scream my rage and my jealousy and my bitterness in their faces. Instead, I just cried when I saw them. I cried and hated them. I hated EVERYONE.  That’s when I cancelled my Facebook. It seemed like EVERYONE was pregnant. And I COULD NOT DEAL.

I was such a bitch. Man. Such a bitch.

And then, slowly, I came out the other side. I think. I’m pretty sure I did. I might still be in the grief tunnel, but I don’t think so. I think I moved into acceptance last summer. When I found out I was pregnant with Max. I mean, I kind of had to come to grips with a lot of shit at that point. I HAD to accept that my baby died. I HAD to accept that I was pregnant with an entirely different baby. This was not the same baby. This would not be the same family. This was a new little person growing inside me who was not Elijah. 

So that was the beginning of healing. I had to stop drinking and stop smoking and take care of myself for the baby I was carrying and stop hurting myself and mourning the baby I lost. I had to get healthy in the head and in the body.

Max saved me.

And as I watch him, squirming around there on the floor, learning and experiencing (grokking, for those of you who are Heinlein fans), I am almost overcome with gratitude. I am so thankful to be a mother. So thankful to have a son. So thankful that he arrived into this world healthy and whole and that he had enough time inside my body to grow strong.

That doesn’t mean I’ve made sense of it. There is no sense in it, no rhyme or reason. I used to believe that everything happened for a reason, but I gave up on that. I had to. There is NO reason my baby died other than that the Universe is a fickle bitch. I’ve accepted it but I still don’t understand it. It’s not fair and it will never be OK. But. It is what it is. I have a healthy beautiful boy. But I will never forget that I should have more than one.

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Comments

  1. If I haven’t said it before, in all the years we’ve known each other, I love you man! I’m so glad to have someone so honest and raw (in a good way) as my friend. I’m so excited to watch this part of your life and see you and B and Max grow together. Elijah will always be there too, in his own way.

    | Reply Posted 4 years, 10 months ago
    • * MtnMama says:

      I love you too! I have the BEST.FRIENDS.EVER ❤

      | Reply Posted 4 years, 10 months ago
  2. * Marti says:

    These feelings aren’t understood by many. Those that have experienced this pain have a very special place in my heart. I just dont understand the cruelty. I know 8 pregnant women right now. Although, Im stoked for them, I secretly despise them. I could not imagine 20 weeks. 8 weeks was devastating enough. I love you, Krust!

    | Reply Posted 4 years, 10 months ago
    • * MtnMama says:

      After it happened by OB kept telling me “you’d be surprised how frequently this happens” meaning late term miscarriage. And it’s true. Within 2 wks of my loss a very dear friend who was 17wks lost her baby. I’ve read so many blogs from women who are just like me. It’s remarkable that modern medicine, for all its wonders, has not yet mastered keeping a baby inside a mother.

      | Reply Posted 4 years, 10 months ago


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