The Chrysalis Home

Just Write ~1

A few housekeeping things before the post for today. 

You’ll notice that today’s post is a little different than what I normally write. If you’ve followed my blog in it’s many manifestations, you’ve seen something like this maybe a few times, but not often.

I’ve decided to take part in a free-writing project called Just Write which encourages people to write when smacked by inspiration about what is happening or has happened in the moment. More details can be found at The Extraordinary-Ordinary if you want to take part.

Second, I don’t like it here at WordPress. I’m packing up my toys and heading back to Blogger. If you link to me from Facebook or Twitter you won’t notice a change in anything accept how my blog looks. The way you navigate to it will remain unchanged. If you are one of the handful of subscribers, please please please come with me to The Chrysalis Home on Blogger and subscribe there! I’ll be posting this entry in both places, but starting with the next entry, it’s strictly Blogger.

And so without further ado, I give you:

Just Write ~1

I’m sitting here, on the floor, in the dark, because M is still sleeping and I don’t like to go too far. I like to keep him close. Even here, in the safety of home, I worry and I wait. I can’t take him for granted. So many things that I’ve taken for granted have been taken from me, I won’t risk it again.

So I sit here in the dark, three feet from him, drinking my coffee, doing my yoga, trying to meditate but being swept away by negative thoughts when I close my eyes. Yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day and I am remembering. But I remember everyday, not just one. I don’t have the luxury of only thinking about it once a year and then moving on. It’s always there, reminding me not to get complacent in my love, not to take for granted what can so, so easily and so, so permanently be snatched away.

So I sit here in the dark and I watch him. I watch how he stretches and moans in his sleep. I watch how his eyelids flutter and his lips curl into a smile when he dreams. I watch how the light plays on his cheeks when the sun rises. I watch how he opens his eyes and searches for me, smiling when his eyes finally find me. And my heart bursts.

I’m never far from him. I don’t want his eyes to search me out in the morning and not find me. I don’t want his first thought upon waking to be one of loneliness or abandonment. I want him to see mama and know she is always close, will always be close when he needs her.

So I sit here in the dark, on the floor.


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